It's been a while since I've been able to post. I apologize. The semester is finally starting to pick up and with the many days we've missed because of snow (more like freezing cold rain) professors are really packing the days in with assignments and such.
I think I took on too much this semester. I'm still doing well in my classes. My side projects are for the most part going ok as well. There is one that I'm not able to do though. I was hoping to present information at a conference this April. It was going to look great on my resume and also really push my comfort zone. I was excited for it. The abstract is due this Saturday though and I have nothing. The topic I chose has very little information out there and it's too late to change. I keep trying to find a new angle to approach it but I run into a dead end with every one.
The truth is, I can't do the conference. I'm having a hard time saying that and an even harder time accepting it. In the past I always used, "I can't because (enter excuse)." I didn't want to do that with this opportunity. Yet I am and it's not even because I gave up. People always try to tell us that we can do anything we put our minds to. That's a load of shit! There will come a day when you just cannot make something happen. This is that day. I've had some people try to remind me about all the other things I'm doing, but it doesn't matter. Why? Because I. Can't. Do. It.
I feel completely lost. I'm confused about so much in my life right now. I'm questioning all the choices I've been making. If I can't even come up with a topic and meet a deadline then maybe I'm not meant for this. If art history isn't what I'm supposed to be doing then what is? How do I keep getting it wrong? I'm trying really hard not to get discouraged but I'm not doing a good job of that. I made a commitment to myself to do it and I can't help but feel like I'm letting myself down.
I failed and I feel like I'm failing at life. It's to the point where suffocating on this idea. There has to be something for me to hold onto. I keep feeling like this; I'm doing something wrong. I can't keep living in what seems to only be halfway. I can't kept drifting and going through the motions of life.
...I need something, anything, and I need it now.
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ReplyDeleteHey love, sorry I haven't checked in on you in a while. Your last posting has me worried, are you not on the right track? Don't you feel the slightest bit of enjoyment when surrounded by art? I know you are very upset you can not participate in the conference, but that may not be the last opportunity to do something like that. Not to mention for spring break you are going to be working on a group project in beautiful Jamaica. Even though we haven't talked in a while it seems like you are making all the right decisions as you progress forward in your life. Just remember we can not win every challenge we take on, just take this as a lesson to be learned. Grow from the experience and hold on to the emotions you have about not getting to do something you really want to do. Take those emotions and make a note to yourself to never feel this way again, best way to do that is to try your best and never get side tracked.
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I really miss you and hope everything is going better!!!!! ^_^