It's been a while since I've been able to post. I apologize. The semester is finally starting to pick up and with the many days we've missed because of snow (more like freezing cold rain) professors are really packing the days in with assignments and such.
I think I took on too much this semester. I'm still doing well in my classes. My side projects are for the most part going ok as well. There is one that I'm not able to do though. I was hoping to present information at a conference this April. It was going to look great on my resume and also really push my comfort zone. I was excited for it. The abstract is due this Saturday though and I have nothing. The topic I chose has very little information out there and it's too late to change. I keep trying to find a new angle to approach it but I run into a dead end with every one.
The truth is, I can't do the conference. I'm having a hard time saying that and an even harder time accepting it. In the past I always used, "I can't because (enter excuse)." I didn't want to do that with this opportunity. Yet I am and it's not even because I gave up. People always try to tell us that we can do anything we put our minds to. That's a load of shit! There will come a day when you just cannot make something happen. This is that day. I've had some people try to remind me about all the other things I'm doing, but it doesn't matter. Why? Because I. Can't. Do. It.
I feel completely lost. I'm confused about so much in my life right now. I'm questioning all the choices I've been making. If I can't even come up with a topic and meet a deadline then maybe I'm not meant for this. If art history isn't what I'm supposed to be doing then what is? How do I keep getting it wrong? I'm trying really hard not to get discouraged but I'm not doing a good job of that. I made a commitment to myself to do it and I can't help but feel like I'm letting myself down.
I failed and I feel like I'm failing at life. It's to the point where suffocating on this idea. There has to be something for me to hold onto. I keep feeling like this; I'm doing something wrong. I can't keep living in what seems to only be halfway. I can't kept drifting and going through the motions of life.
...I need something, anything, and I need it now.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
I'm Stepping In
It's 6:30 p.m. I'm sitting in the Williams Center, (student organization center), freaking out. My urge to overcome this current state of fear is intense, but my urge to pack my stuff up and run home as fast as I can is even greater. Allow me to give some background information.
I recently applied to go on an alternative spring break trip this semester. I've never been the type to go to the beach with a bunch of friends and get "fucked up." That requires me pushing way too many of my comfort zones. Having to go with a group for a couple of days, hate it. Having to be social and upbeat the entire time, not going to happen. Having to meet new people and party with them, lol yeah right!
Going on this trip was my way of doing something for the break, giving back to my community, and staying in my comfort zone. At least I thought it was in my comfort zone. Two words, GROUP PROCESSING. Now don't get me wrong,. I know group means at least three or more people. However, I was under the impression it was more of an orientation thing. I'm most likely jumping to conclusions, but it seems more like:
"Hey, here's this group of people you don't know, now try to solve this problem together. Oh! By the way, you're going to be evaluated during this time. We need to see if you are worthy enough to go on the trip."
Like I said, I might be jumping to conclusions, however, I'm pretty certain it's going to go down just like that. I have just DIED! I've already called up my mom, cried to her, and determined that she is no help. It's not because she's giving bad advice or anything. It's just because she's mom, and let's face it, what does she know? My next call is to a dear friend of mine. He's always able to change my perspective and that's exactly what I need right now. The conversation last no more than six minutes. It's concrete and straight to the point. No sugar coating, no trying to make me feel better. It's just what he has to say about the situation.
It's now 6:40. My friend has allowed me the last 20 minutes (I scheduled my group processing for 7) to "talk" to myself and make my decision. Time has never moved so quickly. Before I knew it, it was time for The Processing to start. (Is this similar to how Katniss felt before the reaping?) I take one final deep breath, swallow my fear, per my friend's advice, and walk into the room. I'm in it now and there's no backing out. Backing out just draws attention and I hate that more than The Processing.
During those last few minutes I had to really decide how bad I wanted to go on this trip. Apparently, pretty bad because I waited around for an hour and gave up going to yoga. I just wasn't sure if this was something I would be able to do. All I knew was that I'm tired of having to explain why I didn't do something. "I got too scared, so I chickened out." This was something I had to do. This was something I DID! I'll find out by Friday if I was accepted to go on the trip. My first choice (there are about six options) is a trip to the Caribbean to help bring awareness to mental illness as well as help those in an area where mental illness affects much of the population. Seems fitting for me.
Even if I don't get accepted to go I still learned something from this experience. I, a nervous wreck, can do anything. I've always thought those who struggle with anxiety are some of the strongest people. I'm not saying we're battling cancer strong, but WE ARE STRONG. Of course, there are those individuals that choose to remain in fear, but there are also those who refuse to let this illness control their lives. Fighting a war with yourself is one of the hardest things. It's a daily struggle with a shit ton of battles throughout the day. Some we win and some we lose, the only certain thing is that tomorrow is going to be another day on the battlefield.
An illness, be it physical or mental, should never be an excuse for not achieving your dreams. You just have to decide how bad you want it. Take one final deep breath, swallow your fear, and step in.
I recently applied to go on an alternative spring break trip this semester. I've never been the type to go to the beach with a bunch of friends and get "fucked up." That requires me pushing way too many of my comfort zones. Having to go with a group for a couple of days, hate it. Having to be social and upbeat the entire time, not going to happen. Having to meet new people and party with them, lol yeah right!
Going on this trip was my way of doing something for the break, giving back to my community, and staying in my comfort zone. At least I thought it was in my comfort zone. Two words, GROUP PROCESSING. Now don't get me wrong,. I know group means at least three or more people. However, I was under the impression it was more of an orientation thing. I'm most likely jumping to conclusions, but it seems more like:
"Hey, here's this group of people you don't know, now try to solve this problem together. Oh! By the way, you're going to be evaluated during this time. We need to see if you are worthy enough to go on the trip."
Like I said, I might be jumping to conclusions, however, I'm pretty certain it's going to go down just like that. I have just DIED! I've already called up my mom, cried to her, and determined that she is no help. It's not because she's giving bad advice or anything. It's just because she's mom, and let's face it, what does she know? My next call is to a dear friend of mine. He's always able to change my perspective and that's exactly what I need right now. The conversation last no more than six minutes. It's concrete and straight to the point. No sugar coating, no trying to make me feel better. It's just what he has to say about the situation.
It's now 6:40. My friend has allowed me the last 20 minutes (I scheduled my group processing for 7) to "talk" to myself and make my decision. Time has never moved so quickly. Before I knew it, it was time for The Processing to start. (Is this similar to how Katniss felt before the reaping?) I take one final deep breath, swallow my fear, per my friend's advice, and walk into the room. I'm in it now and there's no backing out. Backing out just draws attention and I hate that more than The Processing.
During those last few minutes I had to really decide how bad I wanted to go on this trip. Apparently, pretty bad because I waited around for an hour and gave up going to yoga. I just wasn't sure if this was something I would be able to do. All I knew was that I'm tired of having to explain why I didn't do something. "I got too scared, so I chickened out." This was something I had to do. This was something I DID! I'll find out by Friday if I was accepted to go on the trip. My first choice (there are about six options) is a trip to the Caribbean to help bring awareness to mental illness as well as help those in an area where mental illness affects much of the population. Seems fitting for me.
Even if I don't get accepted to go I still learned something from this experience. I, a nervous wreck, can do anything. I've always thought those who struggle with anxiety are some of the strongest people. I'm not saying we're battling cancer strong, but WE ARE STRONG. Of course, there are those individuals that choose to remain in fear, but there are also those who refuse to let this illness control their lives. Fighting a war with yourself is one of the hardest things. It's a daily struggle with a shit ton of battles throughout the day. Some we win and some we lose, the only certain thing is that tomorrow is going to be another day on the battlefield.
An illness, be it physical or mental, should never be an excuse for not achieving your dreams. You just have to decide how bad you want it. Take one final deep breath, swallow your fear, and step in.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
10 Things I Learned on Campus
So this wasn't supposed the be the topic of today's post, but I realized the many things I learned in just one day. It seemed for a much more fun post and I need a little bit of fun today.
- I will always be girlier if my hair is straightened. This seems superficial, and it is, but if I feel girly then I feel good. If I feel good then I get more accomplished. You gotta do what you gotta do.
- The cafe in the library has the BEST Chai Tea Latte, hands down! No more Starbucks for me.
- Heaven forbid you remember where someone sits (she will think you're stalking)! Next time, I'm taking her seat.
- Having freshmen friends is the bees knees. They are required to have meal plans and they always get guest passes, which means free lunch!
- Hanging out at the library will always put me in a good mood. Walking the aisles and pauses to search through a book is a form of therapy for me. It forces me slow down.
- The right amount of eye contact and sincere smile will take you far on a packed bus. For instance, from point A, standing in the aisle, to point B, sitting in seat. Smile ladies!!
- The best place to read, study, or just be alone is the second floor in the union. I hate when I'm reading and people keep trying to talk to me. Clearly I'm busy! The Union is full of other like-minded individuals.
- Very few people will understand an anxiety attack and almost everyone will get annoyed if, and when, you have one. It's ok! Have the attack and move on afterwards. Dwelling just causes more anxiety.
- You might find yourself in a class where two or more individuals will debate technical Mary Jane terms, as contribution to the lecture! It's best not to befriend these people
- This is the most important thing I learned: IT IS POSSIBLE TO TURN A BAD DAY INTO A GOOD DAY! Surround yourself with positive people, always be honest about what's wrong (no more, "I'm fine," if you really aren't), and look for the positives. It's hard at first, but it is do-able.
BONUS!
Whoever placed the yoga studio in front of the basketball courts must have been a man. That is the worst 30 second walk ever.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Organizing Frenzy
The first week of the new semester has come and gone. I was buying new school supplies and textbooks all week long. I must admit, I'm a tad bit obsessed with office supplies, school supplies, and stationary. Something about new post-it notes (my true weakness) makes me giddy! They are my must have item, or items depending how you look at it, that i need for every semester. I color code and organize everything with them. I promise this whole post isn't about post-it notes, although it could be. Like I said, OBSESSED!
Since my last final in the fall I have been on an organizing frenzy. I evaluated my last semester and took note of the many mistakes I had made. I am determined not to make the same ones this semester. Looking back, I find my main problem was poor time management and of course procrastination. I practically did an entire semester's worth of work in two weeks. Towards the last couple of days my mind was already trying to come to terms with the idea of having failed every class. Luckily, I didn't! I actually did pretty well. It made me think, "if I can accomplish that in two weeks, imagine what I could do if I had a whole semester!"
So my mind was set, no more fucking up! Now I had to figure out why I was screwing up. Procrastination, yes, I just said that. Poor time management, yes, I get it. How was I wasting my time though? I remember trying to sit down and get work done. I visited the library. I made to-do lists. I organized the space around me...and took four hours each time. BINGO! I found one of the main reasons for my poor time management. I've always been the type that needs a clean space to have a clear mind. The only problem is that I can never just tidy up. If I'm going to clean then I'm cleaning everything. If I'm going to organize then I'm devising the most spectacular system. Genius like that takes time!
I recognized the problem during my last final. I couldn't remember an artist's name for the life of me, but I damn sure could remember every article of clothing I had hanging in my closet and it's general location on the rack. (My closet was organized by color and then the sleeve size). Blue, polka dot, quarter sleeve cardigan was not the answer! By the time I got back to my apartment that evening I already had a game plan in mind to fix this issue. I was going to organize my entire living space during the winter break. Winter break lasted about a month, so I figured I would have plenty of time to accomplish this.
I honestly finished in about a weekend but I kept re-organizing. I needed this to be fool proof. I bought new goodwill and thrift shop finds to help and disposed of the old and ugly. If it's pretty I'm more likely to keep it neat. I bought a new duvet cover and now I make the bed every morning. I finally hung up all the artwork I had just piling up in my closet. My bookshelves (yes, I have more than one) got a makeover and I even considered the fact that I would undoubtedly buy more books. I tackled every area of my room. Everything has a place. A toddler can keep my room organized!
The next step was my school stuff. I have a whole new system in place. While it does require taking a few minutes of time out of my day to keep it up it's going to keep me infinitely more organized, which means 100 times less stressed. I even have an "emergency kit" packed in my back pack. I'm a bit on the paranoid side. I'm actually quite proud of my little kit. It covers every possible dilemma I can encounter without it being overwhelming to carry. I'm hoping having the kit on me, and how simple it is, will help me stress less while I'm on campus and help me keep calm should I ever find myself in an unpleasant situation.
The last part of my organizing frenzy is my personal life. This part I'm still working on. I've already come up with a daily morning routine and a nightly routine. I'm thinking if I have a set schedule to stick by I'll be less likely to get distracted. So far my mornings have been less chaotic, I haven't been late to work a single time, and my cat has been fed everyday. I've even been able to save some money since I've scheduled time to actually pack a lunch.
Having organized so much I'm starting to feel in control and less stressed. It's exciting and I'm starting to feel like the grown up my mother keeps trying to convince me that I am. I feel extremely optimistic about this semester. I can't wait to see the things I can accomplish when I'm not worried about when things are due or where the hell all my books are going to go. It's going to be a great semester, and hopefully and even better year!
Since my last final in the fall I have been on an organizing frenzy. I evaluated my last semester and took note of the many mistakes I had made. I am determined not to make the same ones this semester. Looking back, I find my main problem was poor time management and of course procrastination. I practically did an entire semester's worth of work in two weeks. Towards the last couple of days my mind was already trying to come to terms with the idea of having failed every class. Luckily, I didn't! I actually did pretty well. It made me think, "if I can accomplish that in two weeks, imagine what I could do if I had a whole semester!"
So my mind was set, no more fucking up! Now I had to figure out why I was screwing up. Procrastination, yes, I just said that. Poor time management, yes, I get it. How was I wasting my time though? I remember trying to sit down and get work done. I visited the library. I made to-do lists. I organized the space around me...and took four hours each time. BINGO! I found one of the main reasons for my poor time management. I've always been the type that needs a clean space to have a clear mind. The only problem is that I can never just tidy up. If I'm going to clean then I'm cleaning everything. If I'm going to organize then I'm devising the most spectacular system. Genius like that takes time!
I recognized the problem during my last final. I couldn't remember an artist's name for the life of me, but I damn sure could remember every article of clothing I had hanging in my closet and it's general location on the rack. (My closet was organized by color and then the sleeve size). Blue, polka dot, quarter sleeve cardigan was not the answer! By the time I got back to my apartment that evening I already had a game plan in mind to fix this issue. I was going to organize my entire living space during the winter break. Winter break lasted about a month, so I figured I would have plenty of time to accomplish this.
I honestly finished in about a weekend but I kept re-organizing. I needed this to be fool proof. I bought new goodwill and thrift shop finds to help and disposed of the old and ugly. If it's pretty I'm more likely to keep it neat. I bought a new duvet cover and now I make the bed every morning. I finally hung up all the artwork I had just piling up in my closet. My bookshelves (yes, I have more than one) got a makeover and I even considered the fact that I would undoubtedly buy more books. I tackled every area of my room. Everything has a place. A toddler can keep my room organized!
The next step was my school stuff. I have a whole new system in place. While it does require taking a few minutes of time out of my day to keep it up it's going to keep me infinitely more organized, which means 100 times less stressed. I even have an "emergency kit" packed in my back pack. I'm a bit on the paranoid side. I'm actually quite proud of my little kit. It covers every possible dilemma I can encounter without it being overwhelming to carry. I'm hoping having the kit on me, and how simple it is, will help me stress less while I'm on campus and help me keep calm should I ever find myself in an unpleasant situation.
The last part of my organizing frenzy is my personal life. This part I'm still working on. I've already come up with a daily morning routine and a nightly routine. I'm thinking if I have a set schedule to stick by I'll be less likely to get distracted. So far my mornings have been less chaotic, I haven't been late to work a single time, and my cat has been fed everyday. I've even been able to save some money since I've scheduled time to actually pack a lunch.
Having organized so much I'm starting to feel in control and less stressed. It's exciting and I'm starting to feel like the grown up my mother keeps trying to convince me that I am. I feel extremely optimistic about this semester. I can't wait to see the things I can accomplish when I'm not worried about when things are due or where the hell all my books are going to go. It's going to be a great semester, and hopefully and even better year!
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Stage Fright
This has been a goal of mine for about three years now. Every time I think I'm finally ready to get started, I find some excuse to chicken out. I still want to back out of this. I'm sitting at my desk typing with knots in my stomach. I'm shaking uncontrollably and I'm pretty sure I'm going to cry. This is stage fright taken to a new level. Let's take a moment and have a glass of wine.
...So much better. OK, so many of my friends keep telling me I have nothing to be nervous about. "It's not like you have to read it to anyone," they say. No shit! I'm a nervous wreck, not a dunce! What most people don't understand is that it's not the actual act of presenting that freaks me out. It's what people might be thinking. So in a way, writing this is even worse than presenting to a class full of strangers. Here my thoughts are going to be judged, commented on, and possibly discussed and shared with more people that will then judge and comment. That's a lot of shit for me to deal with right now!
...So much better. OK, so many of my friends keep telling me I have nothing to be nervous about. "It's not like you have to read it to anyone," they say. No shit! I'm a nervous wreck, not a dunce! What most people don't understand is that it's not the actual act of presenting that freaks me out. It's what people might be thinking. So in a way, writing this is even worse than presenting to a class full of strangers. Here my thoughts are going to be judged, commented on, and possibly discussed and shared with more people that will then judge and comment. That's a lot of shit for me to deal with right now!
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